The ‘heartbreaking’ OCD that can make you doubt your relationship
6 hours ago
Sophia
Sophia, 24, has been in a loving relationship for more than a year, but she still finds herself questioning everything about it – from how compatible she and her boyfriend are to whether she loves him at all, and what action she might take as a result
“I couldn’t leave the house because I was so worried I would cheat on my boyfriend,” says Sophia, a content creator and waitress from Leeds
“At my worst, I couldn’t go to work. I’d be lying in bed all day, asking [Chat] GPT hundreds of questions to try and get reassurance.”
Sophia is describing living with relationship OCD (ROCD), a form of obsessive compulsive disorder which experts say goes far beyond the normal relationship doubts that we can all experience
Instead, ROCD involves persistent intrusive doubts that cause significant distress and lead to compulsive behaviours, such as repeatedly testing your partner to try to find reassurance
“It can take hours of mental energy and cause a lot of anxiety, whereas in a normal relationship these thoughts don’t dominate your day,” says Prof David Veale, a consultant psychiatrist at the South London and Maudsley NHS Trust
Sophia describes the toll as “mental torture”
“Having a voice in your head constantly nitpicking at your relationship and having all of these horrible thoughts against your partner; it’s heartbreaking,” she said
OCD affects 1.2% of the UK population, but it is hard to know just how many people are impacted by ROCD because it is not recorded separately
There is insufficient data to say whether relationship OCD affects women more than men, said Prof Veale, though his personal impression was that it was “slightly more common in women”
When Prof Guy Doron, a clinical psychologist from Reichman University in Israel, first started researching the condition over a decade ago, there was very little information on it
But he is now “seeing an increase in referrals for relationship OCD”. While the statistics are limited, the increased awareness through social media and research appears to be driving more people to seek help
‘Completely shut down’
Relationship OCD typically falls into two categories: one is relationship-centred, where you doubt your feelings, and the other is partner-focused, which centres around a partner’s potential flaws. Symptoms mainly present in romantic relationships but can also affect other types too, said Doron
Life transitions such as becoming official, moving in together or getting married can often be a trigger
Sophia’s OCD used to centre on avoiding germs and worrying about her health. At its worst, she washed her hands at least 30 times a day
When she first met her boyfriend in a bar on Valentine’s Day, Sophia felt present in the moment and enjoyed spending time with him, but when things became more serious about a month in, she says her OCD “latched” on to her relationship and she “completely shut down”
Even the smallest things, such as her boyfriend wearing an outfit she did not like or trying a hairstyle she was not fond of, would make her question their relationship
“My brain would be shouting at me to break up with him, even though I knew that’s not what I wanted to do,” she explains
Although ROCD can impact anyone, some may be more vulnerable to it than others, said Prof Doron, adding that our experiences of relationships growing up or being prone to perfectionism or overthinking can impact how we manage relationship doubts
The rise of social media has introduced new pressures too
“Social media can definitely be triggering for people with ROCD because it romanticises love and can make them doubt their own relationship,” Prof Doron says
Sophia agrees: “Seeing perfect-looking couples online creates an expectation, when real relationships are not perfect.”
Gracie
Gracie, a mental health charity worker from Bristol, says it is not the pictures of happy couples she finds difficult, but the sayings that come with them. She has been living with ROCD for seven years
Phrases like “when you know, you know” and the idea that you should feel completely certain you’ve found “the one” can be overwhelming for her
“We can be having a nice time, but in my head I’ll be freaking out wondering about if he’s the one – it’s exhausting,” said the 24-year-old
“It can make you wonder why don’t I feel 100% sure I’m with the right person?” she says
Gracie says relationship OCD is not a sign that someone does not love their partner
“It’s the opposite,” she says. “OCD often targets the thing that matters the most to a person. It can make you feel hopeless and like an awful person,” she says
Both Sophia and Gracie have tried different medications in the past and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to help manage their symptoms – but they also had to learn about the condition through online research and watching YouTube videos
Getting the right support is important, says the charity OCD Action, and the first step is speaking to your GP about the impact of intrusive thoughts on your life
Prof Doron also recommends avoiding testing your partner to seek reassurance or prove their qualities, as this can feed the ROCD cycle – and trying not to overuse social media or dating apps, as comparison can reinforce doubts
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Obsessive-compulsive disorder
Mental health
Health
