Column signature by Troy Becker
ByCarol Bradley Bursack
Today at 10:00 AM
Dear Carol: I’m an only child providing care for my dad, who has PTSD from military service, exacerbated by dementia. Before this, I helped my mom care for my grandmother with Alzheimer’s. Eventually, I helped my dad care for Mom, who also had dementia. So, yes, I’m exhausted. I’m in the process of investigating additional support through resources that you’ve mentioned in your columns, so thank you for that. My immediate problem is that my nephew and his whole family want to drop by for a visit this summer. They are nice enough people, but they’ll be full of advice on how I can be a better, more efficient caregiver, which would be laughable if I could still find my humor. They don’t have a clue. My home is passable, but I don’t have the time for daily housework, nor the money to pretty things up. This shouldn’t matter to me, I know, but they are rather judgy and live in a high-end neighborhood and are proud of it. I don’t have the emotional resilience to handle their judgment and ignorant ideas about how I can do better. Am I being ungrateful if I refuse their visit? If so, how do I do that without a rift? They are family, but I can’t handle any company right now. Thank you so much for standing up for caregivers and older adults. – TC
Dear TC: My heart is with you. Your worry about being judged on the condition of your home or your housekeeping is completely understandable. Caregivers do what we can, but others don’t understand why we don’t do what they view as better. Try to learn to ignore this and keep doing what works for you. As long as your home is safe and healthy, that’s good enough
As for their visit, I understand that a lot of people would suggest that you just be completely honest and tell them you don’t need visitors, you need help and understanding. In some situations, that would open someone’s eyes and possibly lead to tangible offers of help, yet more commonly, it just causes defensiveness and more stress for the caregiver. Only you can decide if it’s worth the risk of rejection
Wanting to avoid a family rift is perfectly understandable. Taking steps to avoid getting caught up in conflicts you have no energy for is a form of self-care, so you have every right to finesse your answer. You could thank them for offering because you know they’d help if they could, but you haven’t felt well and simply aren’t up to visits from anyone. This is true in essence, even if you aren’t going into detail. Suggest that you would be open at another time, which could be the case once you have more help.
Let go of any guilty feelings, TC. A caregiver’s world is so different from what others can even fathom that sometimes we have to bend social norms to protect ourselves. I’ll be thinking of you. Sending a caregiver hug
By
Carol Bradley Bursack
Carol Bradley Bursack, a certified dementia support group facilitator, has provided care for multiple family members. She’s also an author, newspaper columnist, consultant, and blog host at www.mindingoureldersblog.com. Carol can be reached by using the contact form at www.mindingourelders.com.
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