Hi, my name is Abby, and I’m single AF. In case you missed it, I’ve chronicled my (truly abysmal) dating journey in brutal honesty over the past couple months. But I recently realized I’ve been neglecting to mention a pivotal experience that led me to reopen my doors to the chaotic world of online dating
I’m in my mid-twenties now, but I was in a serious relationship for several years beginning at age 18. So really, when we broke up in my early twenties, I was suddenly single for the first time in my entire adulthood. Which felt…very new
Six months post-breakup, I hopped on the apps for the first time and dated around. It was exciting to feel hot, shiny, and new for the first time in awhile, despite the fact that the men I went on dates with were almost always extremely disappointing
In the year 2025, I went on 10 first dates and only two second dates. This doesn’t even count the 200+ men I’d matched with that never ended up making it past our screens. (I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve been cancelled on an hour before the date, or made plans with a guy who never followed up once the day rolled around.) This left me feeling incredibly burnt out, to say the least. I’d spent a large fraction of my time and energy on finding someone for a year, and it only left me feeling tired and discouraged.
I expressed my disappointment with my sister. “Dating feels like dumpster-diving in hopes of finding one tiny precious gem. And I don’t think it’s worth it anymore,” I told her one evening. “To quote Michael Scott: ‘Where are all the hot people?!’ And what’s the point of putting in so much effort to date and find a man if it just ends up wasting my time?”
I thought she’d tell me to keep trying, stop complaining, and lift my head up, but she actually did the opposite. “You’re right,” she said. “Delete the apps. Take a break.”
With my likes on both Tinder and Hinge at an all-time low and zero prospects on the horizon, it was the perfect time to stop dating entirely (at least, purposefully). No more deleting and downloading the apps every couple weeks in hopes that my matches would surge. And beyond that, no more going on nights out with the sole goal of finding a man, darting my eyes around the room instead of focusing on my friends. No more…men
And it turns out that the internet was (for once) on my side. The viral concept of “decentering men” was all over my social media, and it intrigued me. Women from all over the world were beginning to authentically focus inward, ridding themselves of any thoughts surrounding the disappointing men that have polluted the 2020s dating scene
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Although I’ve never been one to base my personality around a man, this concept was still pretty daunting to me. As a kid, I was so unfocused on men that my family suspected I was gay, but for my entire adulthood thus far, there was always a man in my mind. It started with my ex while we were dating and in the months after the breakup, followed by the men on dating apps. What would it really be like to not think about men…like, at all…for an extended period of time?
Well. I didn’t predict that, in the six months since I deleted all my dating apps and started “decentering men,” my thinking would’ve shifted so drastically
Oh, so THIS is what peace feels like
Without a focus on men, I took the spare time and energy to delve into my own problems with zero distractions — because, yes, we’ve all got ’em. I dove headfirst into working on some mental health challenges I’ve admittedly buried for awhile. While this wasn’t a direct consequence of not dating, the extra energy I was afforded gave me the courage to face these personal challenges head-on
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I had to answer the question: How can I build all my confidence from within, instead of relying on male attention — or even the possibility of it — to make me feel hot? I know firsthand that it’s best to be a happy person before you add someone to your life, and my goal was to look in the mirror everyday and love myself wholly
So naturally, with time, my mental and physical health both improved. My nervous system wasn’t constantly fluctuating from all the notifications, messages, matches, and dates gone wrong; I could simply breathe and focus inward
My life felt…so peaceful. A bit boring at times, but peaceful nonetheless
In so many ways, friendship feels like dating
In addition to focusing on self-improvement, I was also able to grow many more close friendships. I realized that, if we remove the physical component of dating, it actually feels very similar to finding a true friendship
The objective should be to find those who make you feel light, happy, and bubbly — I’m lucky enough to have many of those people in my life, and virtually all of them are women. Nobody is forced to be friends with you, as with romantic relationships, therefore both are true partnerships built on connection
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In those months of supposed solitude, I still felt so full of love, so appreciated by people who’d chosen to spend their spare time with me. I can’t tell you how many times I’d be hanging out with a friend, laughing my ass off, and the thought would cross my mind: “This is so much better than any date I could ever be on.”
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How do people have time for dating again?
In the absence of any effort to grasp male attention, my life was now completely reoriented (because, as we’ve established, men don’t approach women in the wild anymore, so I didn’t have any potential suitors catching me off guard)
After work, I spent each night with a friend or family member, soaking in the company of my loved ones. I travelled and I introspected. After a few months in my new routine, it occurred to me: I have no idea how people even have the time to date
It sounds ridiculous, but my schedule now felt so full, I was puzzled by the mere concept of adding a man into the mix. I finally understood why they say “the longer you’re single, the higher your standards become” — you’re simply accustomed to living for yourself, not in pursuit of another
But you can’t completely ignore those primal instincts
If I’m being brutally honest, although “decentering men” was an overall successful experience, there are shortcomings. Mainly: Couples are, like, everywhere. Society is still focused on relationships as the gold standard way of living. So unless everyone adopts this single-forward mindset, there will always be constant reminders that we’re on our own
In a time of extreme singlehood, you start to notice the prominence of couple-related things. Like, every single freakin’ song is about romance or sex, for crying out loud, and it’s impossible to find a TV show without a love storyline. (Even Survivor occasionally includes romance, although that show is still my number-one rec for anyone sick of love-related content.)
But more than that, the desire for a romantic connection is unavoidable at times. You’ll see a hot person on the street and your brain jumps to conclusions before you can even stop it. You’ll attend a wedding and wonder whether you’ll ever have one of your own. You’ll forget what sex feels like. You’ll ask your mom, “Do you think I’ll ever meet someone?” just to hear her repeat the same words in affirmation: “It’ll happen. Don’t worry.”
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Basically, it’s natural to wonder. And although it can be uncomfortable having this “will it ever happen?” question in the back of your mind, hey, life will always be full of uncertainty regardless of whether you’re in a relationship or not. Staying present and grateful is the key
Back on the apps again
I’d grown so accustomed to how comfortable my life had been without intentional dating that when I got the chance to create my own dating series for work, part of me was worried. I hadn’t forgotten that swiping, matching, texting, and especially first dates are hell on earth — zero part of me wanted to return to that. But I did anyway. If all else failed, it was “for my job.”
And now, a couple short-term situations later, I’ve come full circle: I’m feeling burnt out again. I’m aching to delete the apps and return to my peaceful state of solitude. I may have had less stories back then, but I was less consumed by the idea of men and romance as a whole. I’ll take that trade, at least at this point in my life
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So I guess, for me, that’s what “decentering men” is: It’s a choice, an option for whenever you need it. It’s about focusing on romance only when it serves you, treating dating as a small addition to an already-awesome life. And it’s about learning to pull back when you’d rather pour energy into yourself
So now, I’ll ask you: Do you believe more women should “decenter men,” or refocus their lives without any need for male validation? Is the single-by-choice lifestyle all it’s cracked up to be?
Vote below, then tell me your full thoughts in the comments below (but be nice, please). Let’s chat!
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