[Two Pronged] I’m prone to eating my feelings

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‘It doesn’t seem to matter whether I’m lonely, happy, stressed, or simply bored — almost every intense emotion in my life has become an excuse to eat’

• The letter sender reveals a struggle with emotional eating, where food is used as a coping mechanism for various emotions, leading to weight gain and dissatisfaction with self-image.
• The advice given emphasizes the need for a different coping mechanism beyond dieting, suggesting that deeper emotional issues may be at play, and recommends seeking professional help from a therapist.
• The response highlights the importance of understanding emotional dysregulation and unprocessed trauma as underlying factors contributing to unhealthy eating habits, while also providing resources for support.

Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons

I’ve realized that I‘ve always been an emotional eater. It doesn’t seem to matter whether I’m lonely, happy, stressed, or simply bored — almost every intense emotion in my life has become an excuse to eat

When I’m depressed, I tend to overeat the most. There’s even a dark thought that sometimes creeps into my mind: If I eat enough unhealthy food, maybe it’ll all be over sooner anyway. I know it’s irrational, but in those moments, it feels strangely comforting

When I’m feeling empty or stuck in a sense of ennui, I eat to fill the void. When I’m happy, I reward myself with good food because I tell myself I’ve earned it. When I’m overwhelmed with work, I convince myself that loading up on carbs will give me the energy to push through

The problem is that food has become my default response to almost every emotional state. It’s my comfort, my reward, my distraction, and my coping mechanism

I’m also not getting any younger. The habits that felt harmless in my twenties are starting to catch up with me. I’ve gained weight, and I don’t like how I look or feel. I often feel disappointed — even disgusted —with myself. I’ve gone on diets before, and some of them actually worked

But eventually, I always relapse and return to the same patterns because I never really addressed why I was eating in the first place

I don’t think I need another diet. I think I need a healthier relationship with food, but I honestly don’t know what that looks like

How do I stop making food the answer to every emotion I experience? More importantly, how do I build eating habits that are healthy enough to last — not just for a few weeks, but for the rest of my life?

Sincerely,A Tired Emotional Eater

Dear Tired Emotional Eater (TEE)

It is clear that you have done some good work analyzing your eating problem and reached some valuable conclusions

You know that the tools you have used so far simply do not work long term and that no amount of diets will provide a solution. You have in fact identified the issue: you address emotional problems by eating but need a different coping mechanism because eating simply exacerbates the situation by creating a further problem without solving the underlying issues

There is another concern which you seem to treat as secondary. You say eating enough might have the effect that “maybe it’ll all be over sooner.”

This allusion to ending your life merits immediate attention in your recovery program, despite the fact that you have already recognized that it is irrational, because it suggests that there are other deeper issues that need to be examined, explored and resolved without delay

As you seem to suggest in your letter, you have probably done as much preparatory work as you can on your own and now need to get a therapist’s professional advice on both your current mental health and how to replace eating as a coping mechanism when facing stress, loneliness, boredom etc. The objectivity and expertise of a therapist should help you identify coping alternatives as well as help you evaluate the relative merits of new solutions like GLP-1 drugs such as Ozempic where the immediate benefits may be known but the long term effects are not.

Finally, you say that you don’t like how you look or feel, even to the extent of disgust. I suspect that you may consider this to be taking responsibility when in fact it is simply another negative emotion that itself requires soothing — and therefore encourages a further cycle of coping, which currently for you means eating

Best wishes,JAF Baer

Dear TEE,

Thank you very much for your letter. I am glad Mr. Baer highlighted some points relevant to your situation

These include whether your overeating is masking depression or another deeper mental upset and his insisting you need a different coping mechanism because eating simply exacerbates the situation and thus things like a new diet will not help. Finally, he congratulated you on your capacity to look at yourself as unflinchingly as you could so you could also analyze yourself as objectively as you could. Bravo!

Precisely because you are adept at analysis, you will appreciate, I think, the way psychologists now look at self control. Your problem with eating has never really been (in my opinion) about mere self control, which is the ability to manage your thoughts, feelings, and actions. It lets you stop short-term urges so you can reach long-term goals. It acts as a core part of your brain’s executive functions. 

When you blame yourself for exacerbating your problem because you lack self control, you will be unable to address the real problem behind your eating. Usually, “uncontrolled eating” has deeper roots. Some of these include but are not limited to deeper roots like unprocessed trauma, nervous system overload, and emotional dysregulation. Judging your inability to having “healthy eating patterns” simply as a character weakness such as lacking self control can delay (sometimes even prevent) actual healing by creating undeserved shame. 

Emotional dysregulation results in trouble managing intense feelings, which can lead to uncontrolled eating. Why do I say that? Because the inevitable result of emotional dysregulationis painting yourself into a corner. You simply have no choice except to exhibit poor behavioral outbursts or to avoid a survival reflex (like not eating). Your immediately responding to uncontrolled eating is avoiding the survival reflex of eating only until you are full (have eaten enough)

One may be unaware of one’s own unprocessed traumabut it can still result in being triggered when one least expects it. Being confronted with a trigger often overrides healthier responses, leading to less healthy ones like eating being the answer to every emotion

Finally, (at least for this column), you may also have nervous system overload which often results in one of the 4 kinds of activation: fight, flight, flee, fawn. Any of these choices shuts down the rational brain. It makes logical analysis like “HMMMMM…because I have already eaten too much , maybe I should not eat at a time like this,” damn near impossible!

Oh, TEE, there is so much more I want to share with you, like exploring if your behavior has anything to do with binge eating, choosing what realistic steps you can take to get better, given your needs, personality, and upbringing. However, right now, I think the best thing I can do is share what I hope is possibly good news:

There is an actual helpline in the Philippines focusing on eating & body image. It is the Bantay Bata Helpline 163, which offers free and confidential support online

Please give it a try? It might actually be another positive step in dealing with your problem. Another might be to see a therapist and/or write us again, so we can respond to your other issues relating to this

All the best and I wish you the greatest luck in the world,– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Life got complicated? Write to our Two Pronged duo at twopronged@rappler.com. 

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