I’ve belonged to as many gyms as the number of pounds I’ve put on and took off over the years
That’s a lot of gyms
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Among them was one where a book I was reading was stolen after I put in on a bench for one minute while I went to comb my hair. Another had a shower stall with enough drain flies to carry all the plumbing away. A third didn’t even let me work out until my blood pressure dropped — yet refused to refund my membership fee
I’ve also belonged to several that were wonderful — that is, unless you start picking them apart not because of what they’re like, but because of what you want
For example, I would love for my gym to have a scale that secretly assesses my weight even before I step on it so that it can warn me not to step on it.
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Or one that has workout machines that give electric shocks to people who sit on them for several minutes while looking at their cell phones
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Or one that provides incentives, such as receptionists who automatically tell me how wonderful I look, regardless of how truly unexceptional I feel
Or magic mirrors that make me look like Rob Lowe (while making truly muscle-bound members look like Jack Black, just for spite)
Or food courts that offer special snacks like zero-calorie chocolate milkshakes and vitamin-enriched caramel cheesecake
Or magazines that are so interesting that you forget you’re on an exercise bike and burn 12,000 calories in one sitting without realizing it
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Okay, okay, I get it. This has turned into a fantasy session. As we all know, the success of any gym membership depends solely on your willingness to use it, use it often and block out all impediments to working out, regardless of who’s there and what they’re doing.
It’s also important to stretch first and to not work out on a completely empty stomach (for which zero-calorie milkshakes and vitamin-enriched cheesecake would come in very handy)
My current gym has 10 television screens mounted on the walls for members to watch and listen through headphones while they’re on stationary bikes, treadmills and elliptical machines. A few sets used to be tuned to a news channel known for raising blood pressure and compelling some people to exercise their vocal chords by screaming out obscenities. Last year, my fellow gym members and I were able to select channels on our own. This year that’s no longer the case — but that particular channel is no longer available anyway. So collectively, blood pressures are way down but vocal chords are much weaker.
Even a less-than-perfect gym in town is better than most hotel gyms, which typically are so small that if two other guests decide to work out, one of you is going to have to go back to the room to watch Wheel of Fortune. Plus, the amount of equipment in a hotel gym is usually even less effective for a good workout than what you can do in your own home, particularly if your wife likes you to move furniture around and reach high up in the closet for an extra blanket and pillow for when your old high school buddy stays overnight. You know the one I mean — the guy who looks more like Rob Lowe than Jack Black.
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On second thought, it might be better to send him to a hotel
Joel’s favorite gym activity is opening Connecticut Magazine to the “Off Ramp” column and placing it in plain sight on the lobby table. He can be reached at JoeltheWriter@comcast.net
