Parenting has a way of pushing intimacy to the bottom of the to-do list. Between work, school drop-offs, household responsibilities and the sheer exhaustion that comes with raising children, many couples find themselves feeling more like co-managers of a busy household than romantic partners. For many, sex becomes a laughable afterthought
“A lot of parents, especially in the early years, describe living like ‘efficient roommates,’ trading off kid duty and barely having a conversation that isn’t logistics,” family life educatorKaitlynn Blyth told HuffPost. “The default parent doing most of the hands-on caregiving will describe that they’re understandably ‘touched out’ and, after a toddler has climbed on them for 12 hours straight, being touched by anyone else feels like too much — even the person they love.”
Even for parents who are feeling more turned on than “touched out,” finding time for intimacy can be a challenge. But according to relationship therapist and mom of threeDr. Anna Elton, the problem isn’t always a lack of time
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“I hear frequently in sessions that parents don’t have time for each other,” Elton told HuffPost. “But sometimes all you need to do is recognize the small windows of opportunity that already exist and give yourself permission to use them.”
Here are some of the practical intimacy hacks parents and relationship experts say can help keep connection alive, even when the kiddos are home
Hack #1: Stop waiting for the ‘perfect’ moment
Many parents assume intimacy can only happen after the kids go to bed, but that’s often the least realistic option
“By the time the kids go to bed, a lot of parents both have nothing left and it puts unnecessary pressure to perform and guilt and frustration when it doesn’t happen,” Blyth said. “In family life education we pay close attention to where a family’s energy actually goes, and the couple unit <a href="https://healthylife7.com/ray-longo-says-the-book-is-almost-closed-on-gyms-legendary-run/” title=”Ray Longo says the 'book is almost closed' on gym's legendary run”>almost always gets whatever’s scraped from the bottom of the tank from the day.”
Instead of relying on the end of an exhausting day, Blyth encourages couples to look for connection opportunities whenever they appear
“Grab an early weekend morning when the kids are deep in their favorite show instead,” she said. “Your relationship deserves better than the most exhausted 10 minutes at the completion of your day.”
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Your relationship deserves better than the most exhausted 10 minutes at the completion of your day
– Kaitlynn Blyth, family life educator
Elton agrees that parents often overlook small pockets of time that already exist. One of her favorite strategies is what she jokingly calls the “mutually beneficial bedtime bluff.”
“As a couples therapist and a mom of three boys, ages 13, 10 and 7, I can tell you that, when bedtime comes, kids become masters of selective hearing,” Elton said. “They retreat to their rooms, continue playing, reading, or doing whatever they’re doing, and conveniently avoid checking the time. Meanwhile, my husband and I avoid making too much noise about it.”
“It’s a delicate balance. We’re not talking about letting kids stay up all night, but we’ve learned that if everyone is quietly occupying their own space, we often gain 30 minutes to an hour of uninterrupted couple time,” Elton continued. “Sometimes that’s sex. Sometimes it’s a conversation, a glass of wine, or simply sitting together without someone asking for a snack.”
And if bedtime falls apart?“As James Hunt once said, sex is the breakfast of champions,” Elton said. “Get the kids to bed on time and meet me in the morning.”
Hack #2: Schedule sex
Many parents are reluctant to schedule intimacy because it might ruin the mood. But Blyth say that’s one of the biggest mistakes couples make
“Spontaneity is typically the first casualty of parenting,” Blyth said. “Schedule it, as unromantic as it sounds. Parents will put a pediatrician visit and soccer practice on the family calendar, then leave the one relationship the whole household is built on to whenever it fits in. So give intimacy an actual slot and defend it the way you’d defend any other commitment you make.”
It’s not about turning sex into a rigid appointment, but about protecting time for connection in a life where everything else gets booked first. As Blyth put it, it’s simply “important, so make time for it together as much as it makes sense.”
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Hack #3: Create a ‘connection menu.’
Another way to make intimacy easier is to remove the pressure of figuring it out in the moment. When couples finally do get time together, many default to scrolling their phones or watching television because they’re too tired to come up with something else, which is very un-sexy
Instead, Elton suggested creating a “connection menu” — a short list of simple things couples can fall back on when time finally appears for some closeness
- Cuddling — incredibly underrated and chronically underused.
- Asking your partner about something they love — even if you’re not that interested — and letting them talk while you ask a couple of questions and really listen.
- Noticing small details, like the color of an outfit, and telling your partner how good it looks.
- Playing a quick game, like Uno, that still brings a bit of friendly competition.
- Scrolling through old photos together and revisiting memories if you’re using devices in bed.
- Sharing a playfully dirty joke.
- Sitting outside after dark — talking, or just being together under the stars.
“Easy things, things you can pick from when that time comes,” Elton said. “Keep it fun. It doesn’t need to be anything big, and don’t wait for the ‘perfect mood.’ You schedule it, you pick something from the list, and … do it.”
Hack #4: Never stop flirting
According to Elton, intimacy doesn’t begin in the bedroom — it begins outside, in the small moments of the day, with being playful and flirty
“When we get home, we start with a kiss,” she said. “My husband and I have never stopped flirting with each other, and I think that’s one of the most underrated things we do for our relationship.We use the same nicknames we had when we were dating. We rarely call each other by our actual names.”
She says they also make a point of letting their children see affection in everyday life
“At home, we let the kids see it,” she added. “The kisses, the hand-holding, the affection. Children who grow up watching their parents choose each other, desire each other, and delight in each other learn what a healthy relationship actually looks like.”
Hack #5: Fix what happens before bed
Sometimes the biggest intimacy killer isn’t lack of time — it’s resentment
“Point-blank, nobody reaches for their partner at 10 p.m. with a lustful gaze after a full day of feeling like the only one who remembered the pediatrician appointment,” Blyth said
She encourages couples to address frustrations earlier rather than allowing them to quietly build throughout the day.“Family life education treats the household’s division of labor and the couple’s closeness as one connected system and I see that play out all the time when talking to parents,” she said. “Even out the everyday load a bit more to get everyone feeling good and happier.”
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Hack #6: Get creative about privacy
Parents often assume intimacy requires perfect conditions, but Elton says a little creativity can go a long way
When her children were younger, she and her husband occasionally told them they had important adult business to take care of. They’d tell them, “We have to count our money.”
“Kids understand that money is serious and that serious adult business is not to be interrupted,” Elton explained
The strategy gave them uninterrupted time together while removing what she describes as two of the biggest intimacy killers: negotiation and the fear of rejection
Or Blyth said you could flat-out put a lock on your door to make privacy more explicit
“Obviously, part of what kills the mood is the part of your brain still listening for footsteps or constant calling of ‘Mom! Dad!’” she said. “A lock, plus a calm reiteration of ‘we are going to spend some time doing grown-up time together, and you can go play, read a book, or watch TV’ settles that.”
She adds that this kind of boundary-setting doesn’t just support intimacy, it also models healthy adult relationships for children
“That brief line plus a closed door also teaches kids that their parents have a relationship of their own,” she said. “You don’t need to mention anything about sex, but you can begin to emphasize the importance of adult-only time.”
