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Key points
- Homonormativity is adopting heteronormative ways of being gay to be acceptable to heterosexist society.
- Homonormativity is not always problematic but it can be if it represses queerness to appease a straight world.
- Homonormativity can be a risk factor for psychological disturbances including depression.
- Instead of adopting homonormativity, one can adopt a “chosen family” to enhance wellbeing.
Growing up gay in a small village was tough but I was raised by fairly liberal, secular parents. My first coming out (to my parents) wasn’t difficult because they accepted my sexual orientation. However, I will always remember my father’s comment: “I hope you won’t wear dresses”, and my mother’s question: “Will you not want to get married?” These comments struck me because the message was “You’re ok to be gay but can you be a gay version that is comfortable for us… and our neighbours?”
Indeed, being gay was ok as long as I was “passing” as a comfortable version for our heterosexual neighbours, which meant to wear male-identified clothes, have a good job, be monogamous and wanting to get married, being neat. And certainly not dying my hair, wearing nail polish, having visible tattoos and piercings, and definitely not wearing dresses. For years, in my twenties, I conformed to these norms while also being “openly gay”, not being aware that I was confirming to heteronormative ideals. Now, as a psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist, I realised that what I had experienced had a name: “homonormativity”, which is adopting heteronormative ways of being gay to be acceptable to the heterosexist society.
What I have also observed is that homonormativity doesn’t only show up in liberal families’ homes, it is embedded in our society and the gay scene because it keeps the heteronormative dominant narrative intact, continuing to dictate the “correct” way to be gay so that it is comfortable for them—and it helps gay people not be attacked
Queer people who live their authentic lives are often described as “too much”, “rubbing their sexuality in our face”, or “forcing kids to be queer”, so in order to avoid rejection or insults, it is easy for us to tone down our authentic expressions of ourselves to fit in as the “acceptable gay”
But is there a psychological cost to adopting homonormativity? As with most things, the answer is nuanced and complex. Firstly, I think it is important not to use “homonormativity” to describe something that is wrong with gay men. Nothing is wrong with gay men. Homonormativity in itself isn’t a bad thing, but it is crucial to examine the intention behind adopting it. Is it because homonormative ideals are norms that you value for yourself and make you satisfied? Or are you adopting homonormativity to repress queer parts of yourself to appease the straight world? If it is the latter, you’re not “wrong” because there is nothing wrong with wanting to blend in and feel safe, but it may not be beneficial for you in the long term. Many people I see in therapy aren’t aware that they have repressed themselves by adopting homonormativity, just like I wasn’t aware of it in my twenties. If you don’t know about homonormativity, how would you even begin to examine it?
In my experience working with gay men, I see that when homonormativity is adopted to repress authentic queerness, it can be a major factor for psychological disturbances that gay men regularly come to therapy for: depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, sexual and relationship problems, compulsive behaviours, excessive alcohol and drug consumption, chemsex, excessive attendance at the gym, body image issues, fear of ageing, being highly critical of themself and others, and feeling shame. Indeed, homonormativity could be pulling the strings of all these issues, under the radar.
The homonormative picture is not a monolith, but one of the common scenarios is: being young, white, middle-class, having an athletic-abled body with no fat and defined muscles, a good job, a good salary, always looking pristine, with the right fashion and the right hair, being sexual, and also being monogamous, getting married and having children, living in an expensive home in a sought-after area, and being happy. In contrast, a single, kinky, polyamorous queer man wearing leather and attending sex clubs on a regular basis is uncomfortable for our society and therefore not part of the ideal picture. Of course, as mentioned above, enjoying the typical homonormative life is not automatically problematic, as long as it is what the individual genuinely want for themselves.
Indeed, a lot of my clients describe feeling the pressure to attain and maintain this ideal in order to feel worthy of existing. This pressure is enormous, creating a psychological and existential stress. Gay men often tell me that they are not comfortable with feeling vulnerable because they have the pressure to be ‘out and proud’. A component to the minority stress theory is concealing identity. But I find that in liberal countries, this component for gay men is often no longer about concealing identity but concealing distress. Indeed, one of the current homophobic narratives is “Now that you have your equal rights, why do you still need Pride?” This kind of narratives induce shame that serves to silence gay men and their authentic self-expression as well as erasing their struggles of minority stress and oppression.
- Understanding Sexual Orientation
- Take our Do You Know Proven Psychology Facts?
- Find a therapist near me
The problems with homonormativity are often not detected. It is a hidden phenomenon that sits in the intersection of minority stress, shame, and societal oppression. Challenging homonormativity does not mean that gay men should not have any norms. Queer people are not deprived of norms; they thrive with their own community norms, etiquettes and cultures. These are good if they are made by queer people for queer people—and not to please the heteronormative world
To combat the negative effects of homonormativity is to understand yourself well and accept who you are and how you want to live your life—in a way that matches your values and your connection with your queer community. Instead of adopting homonormativity, you can adopt a “family of choice”—close friends with whom you feel totally accepted as you are, without needing to edit yourself to be “acceptable”
Neves, S. (2026). Homonormativity, queer “homo-norms”, and the sex lives of young gay men. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 41(2), 340–352. doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2026.2706332
