By
- Joseph Goodman | jgoodman@al.com
This is an opinion column
It’s the third installment of my Friday men’s health column, and this week’s topic is about something I wasn’t expecting to find at the gym
I’m not talking about what the bros call “pump covers” — more on that bulging phenomenon in a second — and I don’t mean all the pre-workout induced paresthesia either
Why is everyone so itchy at the gym? Drink pre-workout and you’ll be itchy, too. Everyone at the gym gets itchy together!
Hmm, for some reason that last line doesn’t sound as good on paper as it did in my head
Anyway, when I first started working out, I thought this bro-science vanity project of mine was going to be a solo mission. It turns out I was way wrong. I’m making tons of new friends
Why is this happening?
What gives?
I’m nothing special. It’s not me. I’m just an middle-aged American bro who is addicted to work and finally decided to do something about my health
I even started self-administrating shots of an investigational GLP stack to help me cut weight. I’m taking Retatutride, which, amazingly, has helped me go from 188 pounds four weeks ago all the way down to 172.7 on Thursday’s weigh-in
I’m still eating tons of protein, so don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not starving myself. I feel great, and I’m starting to get in shape
My well-documented mental health struggles are getting a big boost, too, and not just because of all the new endorphins running through my brain
We are social beings. It’s coded into our DNA. Human survival has always depended on cooperation, communication and community, and — good news! — people get really friendly when they go to the gym
When I started visiting the gym, I had no idea that making new friends would be part of my quest for a healthier lifestyle. New amigos weren’t part of the plan. The plan was to turn fat into muscle and get my pump on
Body recomposition isn’t the only health benefit of pumping iron, though
In the name of bro-science, my bro-science vanity project calls for me to workout at least six times a week. At my current rate, I’m meeting like two new people every pump. I haven’t had this many new friends since my first year of college
That’s kinda sad, but I’m not alone
All the time, I’m reading and hearing about how we live in an ever-increasing world of social isolation. People are lonely, y’all, and when dudes are lonely they sometimes get weird. It’s science
Social media can be great (like my workout app, for example), but it can also be an addiction that spreads loneliness like a disease
That sounds darker than deep water, but psychologists know that the algorithmic blueprint of social media scrolling, and all those auto-play videos, and the personalized notifications on our phones are designed to trigger continuous dopamine loops
Bad stuff
But all that goes away if you just put your phone down and lift heavy
The workout industry knows it, too. CrossFit gyms are now designed to take advantage of our social instincts. They’re making money off our natural tendency to find friends at the gym
I don’t mind it either
Here’s the thing about getting jacked. There is an unspoken bro code, and guys know it. When you walk into the gym, you are signing a social contract that states, in no uncertain terms, that if some random dude you’ve never met needs a spot on a heavy lift, then you suddenly transform into his new buddy
Everyone at the gym knows that it is required by bro-law to provide a spot when called upon. Trust me, even the scary-looking guys wearing their pump covers and tattoos are happy to help. Spotting a fellow lifter is like a badge of honor
The bro-brain says to itself, “This guy thinks I’m strong enough to put his life in my hands. I guess we’re friends now.”
And that’s how it happens. You get a good pump, and you make a new friend
An aside on “pump covers” … I didn’t know what a “pump cover” was until a couple weeks ago. A pump cover, for the uninitiated, is that oversized hooded sweatshirt your new best friend is wearing at the gym. Why do we wear pump covers at the gym? I have no idea, but they’re fine as long as you’re not obliviously wearing your pump cover while doing lateral delt raises right next to the dumbbell rack
Fun fact: college football teams don’t allow pump covers in the weight room. The reason? They detract from the social aspect of lifting together
It makes perfect sense, too. Teammates do all their bonding in the gym
I was so invested in this column that I even went down to UAB to ask the team’s director of sports performance about pump covers. Lyle Henley is one of the best in the business and he says hoodies and earbuds are not allowed in the Blazers’ workout room
And Henley has never worn a pump cover either
“I like to know my surroundings at all times,” he said
Like me, and like everyone in the gym, Henley is always ready to give a new friend a spot
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