Ask anyone about their last dinner out with a partner or a friend, and there’s a good chance phones were on the table. Maybe someone checked a notification mid-conversation. Maybe the other person noticed; maybe they didn’t say anything
For a long time, people didn’t think much about this, but as phone use has gotten more common, these distractions are starting to hurt our relationships. There is a term for it called “phubbing.” So, what does this really mean, and how can we deal with it?
What is phubbing, and how is it affecting us?
Phubbing is ignoring someone while they are talking to you and paying attention to your phone instead. It can happen during a conversation, at dinner, or just any moment when you expect someone to pay attention. The term “phubbing” was introduced a long time ago (2007) in Australia, but in recent years, it has become common.
Phubbing usually isn’t intended to hurt someone. It’s not that a person sitting across from you is thinking, “I don’t care about what they’re saying.” It’s often more of a habit: a notification buzzes, people reach for their phones, and the distraction starts. However, even if it’s accidental, the person being ignored can still feel slighted
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According to a Pew Research Center study, about 51% of people in the U.S. say their partner often seems distracted by their phone while they talk. Nearly 40% of those surveyed feel annoyed by how much time their partner spends on their device. This isn’t just a complaint from a few overly sensitive people; it’s a widespread issue across many relationships
Phubbing is one of the fastest ways to damage any relationship, not just romantic ones, but friendships, work relationships, or even those with family members
How to deal with phubbing?
If you feel ignored because someone is constantly on their phone, or if you find yourself doing this to someone else, here are a few simple ways to address it without hurting your relationship
Name it without making it a fight
Start by recognizing what’s happening without escalating into an argument. For instance, instead of saying, “You’re always on your phone,” try expressing your feelings with, “Can we put our phones away during dinner? I miss having real conversations.” This way, you can share your feelings without pointing fingers, and it invites the other person to engage positively
Set phone-free times
Taking breaks from screens, or practicing good “digital hygiene,” helps keep your relationship healthy. You can set phone-free times with your partner, such as during dinner, the first hour after work, Sunday mornings, or even while you’re relaxing in bed. This small change can make a big difference in how you feel about spending time together. You can make similar phone-free rules with children, or even with friends
Reflect on your own phone usage
It’s also good to reflect on how much you use your phone. Do you find yourself checking your phone while talking to someone? Or scrolling when there is a pause in conversation? Most people do this without even thinking about how it may affect those around them. You can control this by tracking how much time you spend on your phone using your device’s built-in usage features. You can also turn off notifications so you’re not tempted to check your phone repeatedly
Understand what’s driving it
People often check their phones for a reason. It could be work stress, getting caught up in social media, avoiding conversations, or just boredom. If you or someone close to you is always reaching for their phone, take a moment to consider why. Addressing the reasons behind the behavior can be more effective than simply cutting it out
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Sometimes, having good intentions isn’t enough if the phone is right in front of you. Try keeping phones in another room during meals, in a purse on a date, or charging them somewhere else at night instead of next to your bed. These small changes can help you stay present without relying on willpower alone, which can be hard to maintain
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