Key points
- Regret is an innate part of the human experience.
- Self-flagellation doesn’t increase psychological understanding.
- Regret provides an opportunity to appreciate an aspect of yourself you didn’t recognize before.
As a therapist, I hear a lot about regret. “If I had only…”. “I should have known…” “How could I have…” It has always struck me as a unique emotional state — a mix of shame, blame and sadness with a sprinkle of magical thinking. On rewind and repeat, one can pop back into “before times” and imagine a different scenario with the wisdom of life lived
In some circumstances, processing regret with others may be a useful exercise. The healing process promoted by Alcoholics Anonymous includes taking responsibility and making amends for past actions, an approach that may include some regret. Regret for egregious behavior is needed to facilitate behavioral change
In other situations, a ruminative, private, intense regret can be a distressing psychological experience which may fuel emotional stagnation. It is unlike sorrow, a more easily shared emotion that allows the listener to join with the individual in pain and to provide compassion. If this type of fixated regret can be shared, processed and understood, it can provide the seeds for increased psychological understanding and future opportunity
Wishful Regret
Wishful regret (my term) occurs when an individual wishes for an outcome that doesn’t have a bearing in reality. A journalist who received a D in college freshman chemistry exclaims, “If I had just become a doctor, I wouldn’t have to worry about finances now!”
This regret avoids a deeper discussion. Did the individual ever have an interest in science? Did his parents expect him to pursue medicine? How has it felt to pursue a passion that has less stability but more personal meaning? What would it have been like to sacrifice years of life to an intensive scientific pursuit that didn’t sync with their cognitive strengths?
Wishful regret is a shortcut that may cut off a more complex discussion of present worries and concerns
Regret as a Simplification
Regret may take a simplified view of a past situation, hiding a more complex discussion of the individual’s current needs:
A marketing analyst in her late 30s with two little children reads travel magazines for fun, and feels a deep regret that she didn’t travel more during her 20s when she had more freedom
She imagines what it would be like to see the fjords in Norway, or ride a camel in Morocco. She chastises herself for missing the opportunity to explore the world when she had the chance
In this case, the regret may be hiding two more complex experiences
In the haze of early childhoodparenting, the mother may be disconnected from the details of her twenties. She has forgotten that she didn’t have funds or extensive time off to travel during this decade. She is overlooking that her younger self’s investment in work and community led her to her current loving partner and interesting and challenging job
It might be more helpful to understand the wish to travel as a mother’s wish for more autonomy. Parents of young children have lost a significant amount of personal time for themselves. Independence that was available before children now requires foresight and planning
The fixation on inaccessible, expensive, exotic travel may lessen if the mother prioritizes her own needs a bit more within the family system. Maybe she can’t go to Thailand, but can she arrange a babysitter so she and her spouse can have a child-free dinner at the new local Thai restaurant? Maybe she can’t go hiking in the Alps, but could she look for an opportunity to take a walk with a friend without the children?
A deeper discussion of her regret may lead to a greater understanding of the past and her current emotional needs
Deep-Seated Regret
Major regret for a pivotal past decision can cause substantial distress
She cheated on me when we were dating, and I just learned she has had a year-long affair—why did I marry her in the first place?
Why did I ignore the fact I was losing weight and avoid the doctor over the last several months? Now I’m undergoing a work-up to rule out a malignancy
There is formidable emotional pain associated with these expressions of regret. What is the way forward?
At first, the regret may serve as a way to assert control in response to a chaotic scenario. Forced to face upsetting news, the knee-jerk reaction is to return to a prior time in one’s head to create an alternate ending. Repeating “How could I have…” is easier than facing the intense feelings bubbling underneath: fear, upset, and grief at the unfairness of it all
Emotions Essential Reads
The Dangers of Purpose as a Proxy for Desire
Beyond Chasing Happiness: Our Rich Emotional Lives
If the individual plants themselves in the regret loop, it adds self-flagellation to an already painful experience. Instead, amongst the understandable pain, there is an opportunity to learn something important about oneself. Looking backwards, psychotherapy may uncover some buried emotional truths. What would it have felt like to end the relationship with numerous red flags? There was a reason the younger self moved forward toward marriage despite the concerns. To create a better future, there needs to be a deeper psychological understanding of this prior moment and what drove the decision-making.
For the patient who ignored concerning physical symptoms, what would it have been like to prioritize self-care? What obstacles were in the way, precluding increased attention to one’s own needs? If high anxiety around doctor visits prevented appropriate follow-up, it would be helpful to address the anxiety through therapy or medications, especially if a more intensive treatment course will now be necessary
In our life journey, we can’t see around the corner to see what is coming next. Regret is part of being human. Insight is only available looking backwards. If regret occurs, it means, for any number of reasons, you didn’t appreciate something important at that time. A compassionate excavation of your decision-making creates a learning opportunity
https://www.aa.org/the-twelve-steps
