- What Is Resilience?
- Take our Resilience Test
- Find a therapist near me
Key points
- Perspective helps us make what matters most matter most.
- Our perspective grows in relation to our lived experience.
- We can build perspective intentionally through curiosity, reflection, and small daily practices.
Sometimes changing our perspective changes our entire experience. Imagine you’re running late. Your shoulders climb toward your ears, your jaw tightens, and suddenly every red light feels personal. Now imagine you’re driving that same route to share wonderful news. Same road, same traffic, same amount of time in the car, but an entirely different experience. The situation did not change. The lens did
As I write about this pillar of Everyday Resiliency in my first book, Calm Within the Storm, “Our perspective is a constellation of attitudes, mindsets, and emotions that form a lens through which we see the world.” (Hanley-Dafoe, 2021, p. 124). It grows in relation to our lived experiences. Developing and practicing an integrated perspective helps us manage challenges, mitigate the impact of stressors, and open the door to learning and growth
Perspective lets us see and feel our way through the world, show up in the hard parts, and prioritize what truly matters in the big picture
A Little but Mighty Perspective Shift
One of my favourite perspective shifts happened a few summers ago
My son Hunter and I had travelled to watch his younger brother, Jaxson, play in a basketball tournament. After warm-ups, we noticed Jaxson taking off his shoes and sitting down on the bench. When I went to investigate, I learned he had left his jersey at the hotel, and his coach’s rule was firm: no player plays without the full uniform
I immediately felt something that many high-performers struggle with: helplessness. My mind was already racing through ways to somehow get him into the second half when Hunter looked over and asked, “Mama, can I offer you some advice?” Thankfully, I leaned in to listen. He said, “Mama, this is going to be a bad hour. It’s not a bad day. It’s not a bad tournament. And it is absolutely not a bad life. This is just going to be a bad hour, and you’re just going to have to find a way to sit with that, and, Mama, I promise you Jaxson will never forget a jersey again.”
I have shared that story countless times since because I think many of us need that reminder. Our brains are remarkably good at taking one difficult moment and writing an entire future around it. In this life, we will all have bad hours. My hope for you is that they stay exactly that
That kind of moment, where the right piece of information lands at the right time, is what I think of as an unlock. It is a perspective shift that changes everything that comes after it, allowing us to move forward in a way we did not realize we needed
Ways to Build and Expand Perspective
- Get curious: Perspective grows every time we are exposed to different ideas, people, and experiences. Read books written by people whose lives look different from yours. Listen to podcasts that challenge you. Ask someone, “Tell me more,” and listen to understand rather than just waiting to respond. Curiosity stretches perspective.
- Zoom in, zoom out: When something feels overwhelming, zoom in first. Name what’s happening and feel what you’re feeling. Then zoom out. Ask yourself, “Will this matter in a week?” “In a year?” “How does this fit into the bigger story of my life?” Distress narrows our focus until everything feels urgent. Perspective helps us respond to what is important versus simply reacting to what feels loud.
- Notice the stories you are telling yourself:The way we narrate our own lives becomes the perspective we live inside of. “I’m a bad sleeper” is a very different sentence than “I’m someone who can sleep well under the right conditions.” The facts of the night might be identical. The story you carry forward is not.
- Collect evidence: Our brains naturally collect evidence that confirms what we already believe. If we believe we’re failing, we’ll notice every mistake. If we believe we’re making progress, we’ll start noticing growth. When you catch yourself telling a difficult story, try asking yourself, “What evidence supports this?” and “What evidence challenges it?” Perspective grows when we consider the whole picture, not just the pieces our brain highlights first.
- Change your physical view: Sometimes changing your physical perspective helps to change your mental one. Get outside, stand under the big sky, walk beside water, look out over a landscape. There is something about being reminded of how vast the world is that helps us right-size many of our worries.
- Borrow someone else’s perspective: Sometimes we’re standing too close to the problem. Ask a trusted friend, “What am I missing?” or “Help me think this through.” The people who love us can often see possibilities that we’ve temporarily lost sight of ourselves.
- Practice the power of “yet”: The attitude we bring to our learning and challenges is extremely important. For example, “I don’t know how to do this” and “I don’t know how to do this yet” send our brain two very different messages. “Yet” leaves room for growth, learning, and hope.
- Recognize dual truths: Our brains are hardwired to focus on the negative, and in the midst of life’s storms, that makes perspective genuinely hard to hold onto. Perspective expands when we stop believing we have to choose between two competing truths. For example, you can be disappointed and proud of how hard you tried. You can be grieving and grateful. You can feel uncertain and hopeful.
- Try “Unfortunately… Fortunately…”: This has become a family favourite of ours. It allows us to hold two truths at the same time, without pretending the hard part is not hard. Unfortunately, I’m stuck in traffic. Fortunately, I get more time to listen to my favourite podcast. Unfortunately, the presentation didn’t go the way I’d hoped. Fortunately, I know exactly what I’ll do differently next time.
- Build a gratitude practice:Our first thoughts of the day are the most powerful thoughts for the day. As soon as you are conscious or awake, say “Thank you.” Waking up to a new day is something to be grateful for. Then take a moment to hold space for what you have and what you get to do today.
Final Thoughts
Every day we have opportunities to zoom in with honesty and zoom out with wisdom. We can get a little more curious, gently challenge the stories our brains automatically tell us, and remember that one bad hour is exactly that: an hour. Perspective widens what we can see and what feels possible. It helps us make what matters most matter most
- What Is Resilience?
- Take our Resilience Test
- Find a therapist near me
Hanley-Dafoe, R. (2021). Calm within the storm: A pathway to everyday resiliency. Page Two
