Iget fatigued from fluff self-help content—and there’s a lot of it. You know the stuff. You see it polluting social media but still have no idea how it applies to your life
The tips are too broad, overly general, like a horoscope with no actionable insights. Often, self-help tips are downright wrong, with zero evidence behind them. Even worse, they carry problematic implications and can cause real damage and wasted effort
“Stop caring what other people think”
It’s strange
Advertisement
This advice almost always comes from someone who isn’t particularly nice. It’s usually used to justify terrible behavior
Consider what it implies: no interest in anyone else’s feedback, no concern for how your actions might impact their life. It also assumes the world is safe for everyone regardless of their identity. Not caring about other people’s thoughts can mutate into remarkably crass behavior
I get the intent. I’m an introvert. Self-consciousness and social anxiety are a scourge for people like me. The better way of thinking about this issue is to avoid being overly concerned. The distinction in verbiage matters: how we talk to ourselves has huge implications for how we live and feel
I’ve found that a small splash of insecurity can be good and healthy. It keeps me from acting like a fool
The power manipulation
My friend gave me an extremely frustrating book (which I’m intentionally not naming).In essence, it was about how women should weaponize sex as a bargaining chip to lord power over men
Advertisement
Ironically, the book had crazy misogynistic undertones and was full of sweeping generalizations: Men don’t commit, and women commit too soon. Men like having sex, and women like romance. It’s not that every page of the book was 100% false. I just squirm in my seat when people start prescribing hard-and-fast dating rules to another person’s life
It echoed this common adversarial view of relationships between men and women. It suggested men prey on emotions, so women should prey on sex as a preemptive strike
Tread very carefully when someone starts telling you to manipulate power dynamics in relationships, be itittered way of approaching life
Mantras that solve everything
We tend to have toxic internal narratives, repeating our biggest or most embarrassing mistakes
Advertisement
Tony Robbins famously gives mantras you should repeat when you are feeling down
All I need is within me now
All the joy I need is within me now
All the love I need is within me now
They sound nice and poetic but they run headfirst into actual facts. Someone with low self-esteemcan’t usually be improved by mantras for more than a few minutes. I love you, Tony. But that’s pseudoscience
One proven solution: intercept self-talk and simply develop an awareness of it. Mindfulness gives you higher “visibility” of your inner dialogue, allowing you to identify the negativity. Inner demons don’t like being seen. It causes them to retreat into the shadows. Practicing meditation is a good first step
Advertisement
Mantras are a manufactured representation of the self. They are a superficial layer over the actual problem
The positivity trap
One of my favorite idioms of all time is, “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?”
It is morbid humor, with the speaker completely clueless that Mrs. Lincoln’s husband has just been shot. Yet it speaks directly to the ham-handedness of toxic positivity that slathers the self-help industry
“Always remember the good things.”
It’s the relationship equivalent of telling your wife to “Stop being so upset and calm down.”
University of Virginia psychology professor Dr. Daniel Wegner said, “If you’re really under stress, putting yourself in a good mood by thinking positive thoughts becomes not only difficult—in fact, it backfires, and you get the opposite of what you want.”
Advertisement
One proven alternative is to enlist support and talk to people who are understanding: a therapist, friend, or family member. Even better, go to a place where people are having fun. That tends to lift your mood
Related:
But Elon Musk said…
The moment someone achieves CEO status of a major company, people treat everything they say as if it came from a holy figure. Their actions are no longer questioned. Their words are gospel, and everything that leaves their lips is a decree from the heavens
I’m sorry to be the one to break this bad news, but they might not know what the hell they’re doing either. Being accomplished and rising through the ranks of a company doesn’t give someone all the answers
Advertisement
Sure, billionaires are often extremely talented. But they often got incredibly lucky, came from immense privilege, and had lots of reforty-three times
Want to know why I’m so cynical about self-help tips? Because I earn much of my livelihood writing in this space. Being immersed in this world, seeing behind the curtain, only further demonstrated that so many people are just making stuff up
I’ve developed a wet-blanket approach to self-help advice: I want to see an academic study that demonstrates this works. Without one, I assign curiosity for further inspection, but not credibility
Conclusion
Please be careful, people. Terrible advice often goes viral and leads many people down destructive paths. Consider thee cookie-esque tips aren’t one-size-fits-all
To end on a good note, the fact that you are reading self-help advice says good things about you. Your heart is in the right place. Keep going
Sean Kernan Creator
Writing from sunny Tampa, Florida. My goal is to provide non-fiction story-driven content to help us live better and maximize our potential. My content is all 100% human, written by me, without AI.
Creators are not employed by Yahoo. Views expressed by creators do not reflect the opinions and position of Yahoo.Learn how to become a creator.
